I have always wanted to do one extraordinary thing for my dad to
express my deep appreciation for his every little and munificent act of
kindness and affection towards me.
I looked for material gifts, unique private moments, ways to
fulfill his dreams for me, and every opportunity to win over his heart.
I often recall the things that my father did for me that only a
loving and caring father could do: waiting patiently for hours at the doctor's
office when I was sick after an excruciatingly long day at work; making special
efforts to help me learn the rules of Quran recitation and beautifying it;
encouraging me to write and speak as he spent weekends editing my writings and speeches
when I was 12 years old; walking around the Kaba in the jam-packed season of
Ramadan with me on his shoulders; driving me to my friends' parties and Islamic
events in the middle of a blizzard; gently advising me when I got into trouble
at school; his teary eyes as he raised his hands asking Allah to guide me and
to make me an achiever in this life and the hereafter; and countless other
sacrifices that even a book won't be able to justice to.
You may be able to list similar favors that your dad has showered
on you throughout your life.
Of course I realized I can never make up to my parents for their
lifelong care and training, which is affirmed by the words of Prophet Muhammad,
peace and blessings be upon him.
But I wondered, how could I truly implement God's command:
"We have enjoined on man and woman (to be good) to his/her parents; show
gratitude to Me and to your parents; to Me is (your final) Goal" (31:14).
As I grew up, graduated, got married and became a father myself, I
realized there really isn't just "one special thing" you can do to
express your gratitude to your father. There isn't "one special day",
such as his birthday or the Father's Day that you can set aside to celebrate
fatherhood. It would be unfair to "payback" your father with a material
gift or a celebration once a year for his years of devotion and painstaking
efforts to raise you and to transform you into a successful person.
It is supposed to be a lifelong commitment on your part to take
care of your father, his needs, and his wishes. It is the little things you can
do for him on a regular basis that really count.
There are many genuine and proven ways to connect with your dad,
to sincerely thank him for the remarkable sacrifices he has made for you, to
raise his spirits, and to assist him as he ages.
1. Understand Your Dad's Nature: Dealing with father is quite different from dealing with mother,
especially in more traditional families. A father is commonly perceived to be
emotionless, difficult to comprehend, and hard to please.
- You may not ever be able to discover your dad's true
feelings at times for multiple reasons:
- Like many traditional fathers, your dad usually holds
his composure and rarely reveals his emotions;
- He may not be able to spend as much time with you as
your mother due to long work hours and community commitments;
- He is an introvert and a quiet person by nature;
- He may not consider spending quality time with children
a priority for one reason or another.
This fundamental understanding of your father's nature and
expressions will help you connect with him more effectively.
2. Acknowledge Your Dad's Worries and Concerns for You: what is the utmost concern as your father
jumps out of his bed every morning? What stresses him out the most as he
juggles multiple tasks at work? What goes on in his mind when he prays? What
emotions and fears make his nights sleepless at times? What are his
aspirations?
Chances are a majority of his anxieties, stressors, prayers and
hopes involve you. Whether your father regularly shares his feelings or
concerns with you and the family, make sure you make an attempt to identify and
recognize his worries for you and your future. As parents grow older, they want
to be heard. You may not agree with everything, but this simple gesture of
listening to your father will give him the respect and sense of authority he
deserves.
3. Involve Your Dad in Decision-Making: When was the last time you consulted your
father regarding your academic or career goals? Did you ever update him on
school grades (apart from the reason that the grades may be floating 'below the
C level')? Do you discuss with him the criteria that you wish to use in
selecting your marriage partner? Did you get his suggestion on naming your
child?
This process of mutual consultation or 'Shura' is not only
healthy, but it is a right of every family member, especially your parents, to
be part of. Of course, you can't incorporate everyone's wishes in the making of
you career or marriage, but the fact that you sought your dad's feedback and
gave it serious consideration should be enough to ease his heart.
4. Fulfill Your Dad's Dreams for Success: If there is one paramount concern shared
by every father in the world, it is his son's or daughter's success. How often
do you hear your dad say, "The only thing I want for you is success,"
or "I want you to focus on building your career so you can be
successful".
While you may consider such wishes as insignificant, it is
essential to pay due attention to his genuine desires. No doubt, most Muslim
parents exhaust their time, energies, and finances to get their kids the best
level of education. This is their way of contributing to your success.
Learn to show gratitude and concern. You cannot always fulfill
your dad's academic or career dreams for you by becoming either a doctor or
engineer, but you can certainly excel in a profession that you are passionate
about and could specialize in. Prove to him that you are 'successful' in your
own way. Explain to him that 'success' is relative. What could be of greater
joy to a father than to see his son or daughter a winner in both worlds?
Showing your dad you are achiever is a sure heart pleaser.
5. Attribute Your Positive Traits and Success to Your Dad: Many of us think that our success in life
and positive qualities are exclusive to us. We 'earned' all the fame ourselves.
We deserve all the credit.
If you are a successful business person, recall how your father
trained you to deal with people and transferred his business acumen to you. If
you are a charismatic leader today, recognize the confidence your dad instilled
in you to lead and move people. If you are a rising artist, remember how you
father encouraged you to express yourself and helped you practice. If people
praise you for gentle demeanor and honorable character, recount the noble
manners of your father.
Studies on parent-child relationships and child welfare show that
a father's love is a vital factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive
development and functioning of children and young adults.
Give your parents the credit they deserve. Say it publicly. Let
people around you, who benefit from your success and positive qualities, about
the source of your success. Even if your father didn't play a direct role in
your success and fame, acknowledge your father's patience, support, and love in
getting you there. Nothing wins over a father's heart faster than simple
appreciation for his lifelong commitment to your development.
6. Spend Quality Time with Your Dad: It is strange that many of us, including
practicing Muslims, could hang out at events and parties, or simply chat over
the phone with friends for hours, yet have no time to spare for our parents.
Such an attitude indeed reminds me of the reality of Prophet's statement about
the Day of Judgment: A time will come when people will greet their friends
warmly, and approach their parents with a cold attitude (Bukhari).
Carve out a day and time at least once a week to visit your father
and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Go on a long walk or take him
out for lunch.
7. Express Your Gratitude: How often do you say a simple "Thank You" or
"Jazakallahu Khayran" to your father for daily favors? What about
expressing your gratitude to him for raising you as a good Muslim? You owe him
big Jazaks, every breath of your life!
As the Prophet stated, "The one who does not give thanks for
a small blessing will not give thanks for a great blessing, and the one who
does not give thanks to people will not give thanks to Allah" (Abud
Dunya).
Be a little creative when you really want to express your
gratitude to your dad. Say it with a personal thank you card. Show it with
flowers. Accompany it with a genuine smile. Charge it with emotions. Enhance it
with a meal or a meaningful gift.
8. Be Extra Caring and Concerned in Your Dad's Difficult Times: Whether it is an illness, chronic
depression or a job loss, this is the phase of life when he really needs you
and your time. Your presence, physical help, comforting words, and prayers are
crucial to his healing and happiness. Remember, nothing would hurt him more
than witnessing your insensitive attitude and indifference to his trying
situation. These moments would haunt him for the rest of his life. Don't delay
your service to him. The Prophet, peace be upon him, once warned us, "May
he be disgraced," repeating it three times, "who finds his parents,
one or both, approaching old age, and he does not enter Paradise by serving
them." What other chance will you have to serve your father?
As your father's strength fails, he would require more attention
and care, and more consideration of his even more sensitive feelings. He may
become irritated and uneasy much quicker now. It's regarding this phase of
life, Allah tells us, "Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him
and that you be kind to parents. If one or both of them attain old age with
you, do not say a word of annoyance (Uff) to them nor repulse them, but speak
to them in gracious words and in mercy lower to them the wing of humility and
say, My Lord, bestow Your mercy on them, as they cherished me when I was
little" (17:23-24). A practical example to illustrate the import of this
verse would be if your father is ill and unable to go to washroom by himself,
you don't make an undesirable facial expression or say 'uff' in annoyance as
you clean up after him. That is a true test of your gratitude towards your
father.
9. Ease Your Father's Transition into Retirement and Senior Phase: Every aging father has a fear of the
unknown and financial insecurity, as he approaches his 60s. Comfort him
constantly that you will do your best to support him in your capacity. Request
him not to stress over the retirement phase. Brainstorm ideas and develop a
plan and budget together so he feels secure. Also suggest creative projects and
community activities for him to get involved in as he retires. Knowing he has a
loving and caring companion to rely on in the arduous journey ahead should be
heartening and reassuring enough for him.
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